On Undeserved Shame
One of my most confounding abilities is being able to create shame out of any situation. I like to think of myself as a fairly empathetic person and sometimes I allow myself to take the missteps of others and allow them to become, in some way, my fault.
Now, I’ll be the first to admit that I do plenty in my own right that should make me feel awkward, embarrassed or even ashamed. But for the sake of specificity and avoiding a rabbit hole we may never come back out of, let’s just take from that the idea that I have at least some predisposition for shame taking over, as I’m sure a lot of us do.
For our purposes let’s focus in on the unnecessary (at least in prolonged doses) shame. Perhaps even undeserved. See, the thing about “creatives,” “entrepreneurs,” “wanderers,” and whatever else you want to call people like me is that we’re always learning, mostly because we’re constantly moving the deep end of the pool further out. I think a sick little part of us likes that feeling when our toes no longer touch and we have to relearn new things that will keep us afloat. THE PROBLEM and the idea of shame comes in when the sharks (themselves people struggling with their own self-confidence) come in and put us down for what we don’t know or don’t do well (YET!).
A common example is how to wrap long cables (over under for those in the know). Everyone expects you to know how, but no one will teach you and soon you’re left with a twisting tangled mess and getting heckled by some shark who gets off on putting others (especially rookies) down. Is this shame earned. No. But for many of us these jabs at what you should, but don’t yet, know pile up and can create a sort of shame driven complex.
For me, it comes up on almost every shoot anymore. “What if I don’t know….?!” Now, this can be good; a reminder of where you come from and how NOT to treat others. But then you move on. You’ve fought through, you’ve learned what initially caused you shame and you’ll move on.
The more diabolical shame comes from those looking to take advantage of you. The “That’s just how the business is” crowd. Pardon my language, but F*&k that!!! If it feels off, question it. Don’t allow someone to mistreat you, underpay you, or not pay you at all all because, in their words, “That’s just how it is and always has been.” It took me years and countless nights of frustrated lack of sleep to learn that and to learn to question those Sharks, confront them and not just chalk it up to more shame of what I should have known.
Shame can be a learning opportunity, of course, but it shouldn’t be held on to and allowed to fester and no one should be allowed to use it as a weapon against you or to buoy their own ego. And it should never be thinly veiled behind the “inexperience” disguise. Question always. Acknowledge your feelings, but then ask why you’re feeling it, if you deserve it and who’s really to blame.
- GALEN MURRAY -
VISUAL VAGABONDS Owner/DP
