Thoughts on Self Doubt as Experience Grows

I’ve found that in the path of a freelance filmmaker there are many stages. It’s cliche, but life isn’t a steady climb. It’s more like a roller coaster. You climb, climb, climb and start to see the potential in your path, lulled in by the success, then there’s the uncertainty that comes with a plateau. “Am I going to climb to the next level or is my world about to drop out from under me leaving my stomach in my throat? And, inevitably, that drop comes. But to me the scarier times have become the plateaus. I’ve seen some crazy rises and some brutal falls in my short career so far and my wandering mind likes to imagine the worst.

Recently this has let in a new feeling, new to me at least: Self Doubt. This plateau has caused me to question where I am, if I’m in the right film genre and, worst of all, if I even have the chops to make it to whatever the next step is. Will I be able to pick up the different terminology? Will they walk all over me for not coming up in the film school world with more money and toys? Will I be able to figure out how to shoot a different style? These aren’t new obstacles, though. I’ve had my hands in more industries, film and otherwise, and veins of production than most people will in their whole lifetimes. Up until now, though, it’s been a chip on my shoulder that’s driven me. “You’re too young,” “You don’t have enough time on this specific camera,” “You’ve never worked on this budget of gig.” These were all just reasons for me to say: “I’ll show you!” And for the most part I think that’s just what I’ve done. I wouldn’t still be in production, much less still making a living as a freelancer if not.

So what’s different now? Well, I think a part of me has always thrived when there were odds stacked against me. But now I’m not the new kid anymore. I have a lot more experience under my belt. Maybe this means the safety net (imagined or real) of those excuses is gone. If I fall now I can’t land on these old perceived “weaknesses” and reasons why others might expect me to fail. I may still look young, but in MY head I expect more of myself than ever. And sometimes the heaviest pressures, especially when you’re a self-driven person, come from within and from your own lofty expectations.

The thing I have to remember, though, is that I’m still that same kid with a chip on my shoulder. It’s time to take a lesson from younger me and say “I’ll show you” to my expectations. I do expect a lot of myself, as I believe everyone should, and those expectations have ramped up along with my growing experience. BUT I should NEVER let myself believe that I’m not good enough to fulfill and exceed those expectations. Step up and steel yourself because whether the roller coaster drops or not there will be another climb after. Both will be difficult, but you’ve proven you have the strength to handle either one.

- GALEN MURRAY -

VISUAL VAGABONDS Owner/DP